I Will Be Free

(Author’s note:  I wrote this in an attempt to calm my anxiety over a personal matter.  It helped.)

image

(Image found at www.vigile.net)

Why am I like this?  I thought I was stronger.  I thought I could do this, but I feel I cannot.  Why can’t he just do the right thing?  Why can’t he ever say the right thing?  Why did I take on the task of helping him again when I know he is just using me like he always does?  I am just his backup plan, the one he goes to when no one else will help him.  The one he goes to when his roller coaster of a life crashes down around him.  It is only a matter of time until that roller coaster goes back up and I will be nothing to him once again.  Why can’t he be the father I know he can be?  At least the father I think he can be.  Maybe I just want him to be the father the kids need.  Maybe I am asking too much.  Am I living in a dream world?  What is this hope that I hold on to?  I know he will never change.  He only thinks of himself.  Why did I take on the challenge of helping him again?  He will never change. 

Personally, I would rather he crawled into a hole and never resurface.  I want him gone for good, but we don’t always get what we want and I have the kids to consider.  They are in pain and I have to help them.  If only I wasn’t still so financially dependent on him.  If only I had a better support network.  If only I wasn’t so lonely and still so vulnerable.  If only   .   .   . 

I want to be free of him, free of his emotional abuse, free of his manipulation, free of the pain he caused.  Signing papers only did so much.  I want him out of my life for good.  I am better without him, so why does he still haunt me so?  Help me.  Someone, please help me.   I don’t feel strong enough, but I have to be, not only for my children, but for myself as well.  I have to be strong. 

I feel so alone in all of this, but I know there are people out there rooting for me and rooting for the kids.  I have to take a stand, establish boundaries, and harden my heart.  I refuse to be used again, but here I am opening that door.  What am I doing?  I don’t know any more.  What am I doing?

Why did I open that door?  It is because my heart is too big.  They say people like me,  an autistic individual, lack empathy.  Talk about an incredible untruth.  My empathy is what opened that door and he is going to hurt me again.  He is going to hurt the kids again.  It is only a matter of time.  At least I know that it is coming now.  I can prepare for it.  It still hurts, but his behavior doesn’t surprise me anymore. It is only a matter of time. 

He says he is going to finally get the help he needs.  He says he is getting help not because of the kids, but because he is tired of living on a roller coaster.  Day in and day out, no more roller coaster he says.  If doing so helps with the relationship with the kids that would be a bonus he says.  He says a lot of things, but he has yet to follow through with any of it. The kids need their father, but it is not about them, a relationship with them is only a bonus in his eyes.   It is still all about him.

How do I break the cycle, to free myself from his roller coaster ride of a life?  The answer to that question has been a work in progress for almost two years now.  Strength will come with time and distance.   I just have to trust and have faith that the cycle will break and I will be free of him.  Strength will come. 

He will never change.

If only things were different.

I have to be strong, to protect myself and my children.

But what am I doing?  I feel so lost.

He will cause emotional pain again.  It is only a matter of time.

He is still focusing on himself, because it is still all about him.

But strength will come and I will be free of him.

I will be free.

nomorepuzzleprofits:

We need to stop seeing autism as some sort of one-dimensional sliding scale. Autism is not a thermometer. It’s not a rating that is “more” or “less”. High-functioning and Low-functioning do not exist in the real world.

Autism is a collection of symptoms and behaviours. Like a sundae bar. You choose your toppings that fit you.

Are you a bipolar extravert that loves socialising, is good at math and bad at remembering time? That’s ONE way to be autistic!

Are you a socially anxious autistic who has meltdowns when your clothes don’t feel right but a genius knowledge of music theory and is great at scheduling? That’s another way to be autistic!

Notice how both of those examples has strengths and weaknesses? Is one more “employable” or “high-functioning” than the other?

There is no one-size-fits-all category or rating for autism.

(via neurowonderful)

Image description: Young woman, short dark hair and wearing glasses, sitting on a chair in what looks ,ike a bedroom, a fan can be seen in the background. She is smiling and looks like is flapping her left hand. The text reads: My name is Candi. I am 22 years old. I am Autistic and very happy. I enjoy watching My Little Pony and Sherlock. I have trouble expressing myself sometimes with my voice, however, Autism Speaks does not speak for me. #BoycottAutismSpeaks

Image description: Young woman, short dark hair and wearing glasses, sitting on a chair in what looks ,ike a bedroom, a fan can be seen in the background. She is smiling and looks like is flapping her left hand. The text reads: My name is Candi. I am 22 years old. I am Autistic and very happy. I enjoy watching My Little Pony and Sherlock. I have trouble expressing myself sometimes with my voice, however, Autism Speaks does not speak for me. #BoycottAutismSpeaks

#BoycottAutismSpeaks Virtual Protest! Description from protester: My protest photo. Text reads: I am an adult woman with Asperger’s. I’m married. I have a master’s degree. I work multiple jobs & co-own a business. I am not broken. I am not a burden. Autism didn’t ‘steal’ me. I don’t need a ‘cure’. I don’t need ‘eradicated’. I need the very services that Autism $peaks lobbies against. Autism $peaks does not speak for me.

#BoycottAutismSpeaks Virtual Protest!

Description from protester:

My protest photo. Text reads: I am an adult woman with Asperger’s. I’m married. I have a master’s degree. I work multiple jobs & co-own a business. I am not broken. I am not a burden. Autism didn’t ‘steal’ me. I don’t need a ‘cure’. I don’t need ‘eradicated’. I need the very services that Autism $peaks lobbies against. Autism $peaks does not speak for me.

Virtual Protester Garrett has his band behind us 100%! #BoycottAutismSpeaks #PosAutive #LoveNotFear  Image Description: A picture of a man looking into the camera. He is standing in front of an opened door, and a white wall that has a painting on it with the message “Words fail, Music speaks…” The man has dark colored hair, is wearing a dark, sleeveless shirt. He holds a sign that reads: I play six instruments. I am in a signed musical act. I am a brother. I am a son. I am a student in a 4 year college. I am not a tragedy. I am a success still in progress. I am just as human as anyone else. #boycottautismspeaks.

Virtual Protester Garrett has his band behind us 100%! #BoycottAutismSpeaks #PosAutive #LoveNotFear

Image Description: A picture of a man looking into the camera. He is standing in front of an opened door, and a white wall that has a painting on it with the message “Words fail, Music speaks…” The man has dark colored hair, is wearing a dark, sleeveless shirt. He holds a sign that reads: I play six instruments. I am in a signed musical act. I am a brother. I am a son. I am a student in a 4 year college. I am not a tragedy. I am a success still in progress. I am just as human as anyone else. #boycottautismspeaks.

#BoycottAutismSpeaks Virtual protests continue. Send yours in today!  Image description: a young woman with the text, “I am autistic. I am NOT a tragedy. The only tragedy is the ignorance of others. #BoycottAutismSpeaks”  Hanging on the wall behind her is a sign that reads “Born this way”

#BoycottAutismSpeaks Virtual protests continue. Send yours in today!

Image description: a young woman with the text, “I am autistic. I am NOT a tragedy. The only tragedy is the ignorance of others. #BoycottAutismSpeaks”

Hanging on the wall behind her is a sign that reads “Born this way”

#BoycottAutismSpeaks Virtual Protester Paul!  Image Description: Black and white photo of a man, sitting in front of a large body of water. Further in the distance is a mountain. The man is wearing dark framed glasses, and a dark jacket. Text on the photo reads:  “My name is Paul Davies. I am Autistic. Autism Speaks would have you believe that my life is a burden, that I don’t live, I just exist.… They say I need to be ‘cured’.  I am the father of two amazing adult children and have a life partner who loves and accepts me for who I am.  I have been a successful Salesman, Scene of Crime Officer, University Administrator, Equalities Officer and a Counsellor. I have a 1st Class (Honours) Business Degree and Postgraduate Qualification in Human Rights Law.  There are lot’s of Autistic Spectrum people like me and we can speak for ourselves, but they don’t want to give us a seat at the table!  Autism Speaks can kiss my ar*e! The don’t speak for me and they never will! #BoycottAutismSpeaks”
#BoycottAutismSpeaks Virtual Protester Paul!

Image Description: Black and white photo of a man, sitting in front of a large body of water. Further in the distance is a mountain. The man is wearing dark framed glasses, and a dark jacket. Text on the photo reads:

“My name is Paul Davies. I am Autistic. Autism Speaks would have you believe that my life is a burden, that I don’t live, I just exist. They say I need to be ‘cured’.

I am the father of two amazing adult children and have a life partner who loves and accepts me for who I am.

I have been a successful Salesman, Scene of Crime Officer, University Administrator, Equalities Officer and a Counsellor. I have a 1st Class (Honours) Business Degree and Postgraduate Qualification in Human Rights Law.

There are lot’s of Autistic Spectrum people like me and we can speak for ourselves, but they don’t want to give us a seat at the table!

Autism Speaks can kiss my ar*e! The don’t speak for me and they never will! #BoycottAutismSpeaks”

Anonymous said: Hello Amythest! Id like to know what you think about GFCF diet. Necessary, not necessary, absolutely necessary? How about other "biomedical interventions" that claims they are the way to "recover" from autism and cost lots of money. How about you? are you following a diet? Give some details please. Have a boy (5y) with PDD diagnostic. Thanks in advance for your answer, Ill be following your youtube channel and your facebook too. God bless you.

neurowonderful:

Hi there. Firstly, when it comes to biomedical “treatments” for autism, these treatments are ineffective time/money wasters at best (see hyperbaric oxygen chambers) and are potentially harmful (or in the case of MMS/CD and chelation, even fatal) at worst. Because autism is a neurodevelopmental condition and not a disease or illness it can never be “cured”, and so biomedical treatments are completely unnecessary. Those who provide and sell such “treatments” really can’t be trusted

When it comes to gluten-free and other special diets, you have to take the individual person’s tolerances into account as well as weighing the pros and the cons of sticking to a special diet. The cons include spending more money, time, and energy on something that may not even be helpful for the autistic person in question. Eating and food is already an area that is tough for a lot of autistic people, so trying to stick to a special diet can add unnecessary stress to the autistic person’s life and unnecessary grief for parents.

The fact is that Celiac disease is pretty rare, and that the pop science that says “Autistic people have higher rates of gluten intolerance” are mostly anecdotal and have never been scientifically proven. But if your autistic child is one of the people on the planet who don’t digest gluten well, then the pros of better health, smoother digestion, and a reduction in pain or discomfort may be worth the trouble.

It’s really important to pay attention to your child and watch them carefully. Don’t focus on all of the “miracle recovery/cure/treatment” stories on those mommy blogs and sketchy “natural health” sites. Watch your child for signs of stress or anxiety when it comes to changing his diet, keeping in mind that any change or disruption of routine is very hard for autistic people, and if you’re not seeing an improvement in your son’s digestion and overall health, don’t be afraid to stop.

I am not on any special diet, and I have tried going without milk, eggs, and gluten (for a chronic illness that I have). Nothing made me feel awesome or helped my illness in any noticeable way. I do try to eat healthy, though.

To conclude, there are some “treatments” for autism, like multivitamins and omega-3 supplements, that aren’t dangerous and when used properly can’t hurt. I mean, what kid doesn’t like a good Flintstones chewable vitamin? That being said, if there is a treatment, therapy, or magical miracle supplement out there being touted as an “autism cure” or a method of “recovery”, you can be sure that the purveyors of said treatment or cure are only out for one thing, and that is desperate parent’s money.

Thank you for posting this.  My two children and I are all autistic and my son is the only one who has wheat intolerance.  In fact, he was diagnosed with wheat intolerance two years before we discovered he was autistic.  My daughter has to watch her sugar intake, because she is pre-diabetic.  Both my children have a cow milk sensitivity, but I do not.  My son gets sinus problems and my daughter gets tummy problems.  My son drinks soy milk, but my daughter and I can’t tolerate soy products.  She drinks sugar free almond milk.  My son is allergic to cinnamon, and my daughter and I are allergic to garlic and onion.  I have considerable damage to my digestive system due to complications from pregnancy and childbirth.  I have to stay away from fiber because it shuts my digestive system down.  No salads or oatmeal for me. 

As Amythest stated, when it comes to special diets, it is really about the individual’s tolerances.  My family is a prime example. I also have no problem with the idea of taking a multivitamin when it is used properly. My kids and I take gummy vitamins. It really irritates me when the GFCF diet or some sort of “natural” or organic diet with tons of “natural” supplements is pushed as the cure all for Autism.  No, no, and no.  I have seen kids starved because some parents are under the mistaken belief that these special diets will “cure” their child of their Autism.   

You can have diet issues and not be autistic.  Dealing with the symptoms of food intolerances/allergies makes a person have to use more “spoons”.  This in turn makes it harder to deal with the everyday things, because you have less “spoons”.  If you are autistic, and you are short on “spoons”, you will get over loaded quicker and your autistic traits might seem more pronounced because of that. Special diets don’t “cure” Autism.  If you need to be on one, special diets can make you feel better.  You end up having more spoons to deal with the everyday things. 

(Via Pocket Full Of Beautiful and Positive Quotes on Facebook)

The official full length TV launch trailer - Doctor Who Series 8 2014 - BBC One  

"New Doctor, New Monsters and Old Enemies…The new series of Doctor Who begins Saturday, 23 August."

Oh boy!!

(Source: youtube.com)